tomoatmeal:

“Actually, why don’t you let this little old lady go first,” I said to the barista.

“I’m forty,” said the little old lady.

“Well I guess you just have that angry old lady face,” I said with a cheerful grin.  “It’s like when old people are just so exhausted by life that the default position of their face sort of turns into that permanent scowly face.  You know?”

But she was done listening.

After I got my coffee, a woman and her young son approached me.

“It was really nice of you to let that woman go first,” she said.

“Oh I’m no hero!”

“I try to teach my son here about those kinds of manners.”

I laughed and looked at the young boy.

“Take my word for it, young friend.  You do nice things for other people and nice things happen to you.”

I smiled again and took a sip of my coffee.  But the lid popped off and the scalding hot beverage splashed against my face and chest.

I screamed.  “ARRRRRRGGHHHH…..FUCK!  FUCKING SHIT!  OW!”

The boy and his mom recoiled in horror.  It was still burning.  I ran to the center of the mall and dove headfirst into the wishing well.  SPLASH!

When I emerged, there were pennies stuck to my boiled skin.  I opened my eyes and saw a wall of wide-eyed children.

“I’ve stolen your wishes!” I screamed.  “And I’m taking them to hell with me!”

I ran out of the well and into the parking lot, where a minivan ran me over.

“Does this mean my wish won’t come true?” a young boy asked his mother.

She sighed and reached into her purse.  “I don’t know.  Probably not.  Here.  You might want to toss another one in there, just in case.”

The young boy tried again, but his wish didn’t come true.  However, to be fair, it was a stupid, implausible wish.  A live dog that’s also a skateboard?  Come on, man.  You think the weight won’t be hard on his back?

THE END.